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Exercise In Truly Appalling Profanity

With a heavy leavening of utterly poor taste.

· Writing,Thinking Different

Banner image just about sums up how I felt writing this, if only because if anyone might actually try it...

Can You Fuck A Turnip?

Preambulation

You Motherfucker?

Have you noticed the very much obvious trend in US culture over the past few generations?

 

What a bunch of motherfuckers. Who were, and sometimes still are cocksuckers, descended from bitches if male, illegitimate... There are other parallels, but if I type them I am possibly going to get an ass kicking eventually for it.

I mean it. If you look back through the media and popular culture, for pretty much the twentieth century onward the previous generations' deadly insult, the one that, if you say it, someone is getting a beating, becomes the following generation's personal pronoun of choice?

"You bastard!" Or, "I am a real tough bastard, all right."

"You son of a bitch!" "I am one tough son of a bitch." (I am keeping to safe self-shaming here.)

"You cocksucker!" "It would be homophobia that proves the exception to the rule. Most straight men I know don't say 'I am a real cocksucker, all right.' I do, but not so much them."

"You motherfucker!" "I am one motherfucker you do not want to..." (You just can't not hear Samuel Jackson, can't you?)

I mean, once, twice, maybe it's purely totally coincidental, though you'll never convince me of this. But over and over? It means something. I am just not entirely certain what, beyond 'lots of words don't actually mean what many people seem to think they do.'

That and America being the nation that actually patented illiteracy, so forgive me if, while most individual Americans I meet seem vaguely like real people, collectively y'all are dumber than rocks about the things that really matter the most, in my opinion, which this being my article means the opinion that people will see before the comments section.

The Motherfucking Point?

Oops, sorry.

The point is actually that English, as far as I understand this, is the only language you can do this in :

(This, in this case, being to use motherfucker-fucking-fuck as an adjective, a noun, a verb, a personal pronoun, punctuation...)

Read this in the spirit intended, and in Samuel Jackson's voice. The last bit makes a world of difference, believe me.

(Yes, I did occasionally go even farther out of my way, when being a bit of a fuckwit about it, or making up a new word, or just to break the monotony.)

And of course I picked a weird-assed topic and title. If I were even a tiny bit less 'WTF muffins' someone, somewhere would inevitably take me not only too seriously, but feel deadly offended. I mean by the subject itself. If you don't find the content at least a little appalling (and at least a little funny) then we probably can't be friends.

And so...

CAN YOU FUCK A TURNIP?

No you fucking can't you fucking fuckwit but you can put your fucking cock in one. But fuck it's really fucking hard man, fucking legumes fucking chafe like motherfucking hell when you fucking try to fucking fuck the motherfuckers, motherfucker.

You have to be a really bad motherfucker if you want to fuck those motherfucking beets over there you're fucking drooling to fucking fuck you disgusting fucking vegesexual. Who the fuck even wants to fuck a motherfucking pumpkin, never mind fuck a fucking radish? You are one fucking sick mother's motherfucking motherfucker.

Fuck you. Fuck your mother. Fuck you fucking your motherfucked-ing1 mother, you fucking motherfucker.

I swear, all mother–fucking hell breaks loose if you fucking even think to let these motherfuckers even fucking try fucking those fucking not-going-to-be-fucked mothers, you dumb motherfucker.

Fucking stupid motherfuckers just don't learn… like 'you don't fucking try fucking your mother, even if she's kinda fucking hot' motherfucker.

Fucking everyone knows better than to try incesting an heirloom ginger — root, not redhead is fucking assumed given the fucking thesis you stupid motherfucker — as assumed not to be fucking fuckable and trying to fucking make it fuckable is even more totally fucking fucked up. It's so fucking fucked up that I've changed my fucking mind about you, you motherfucking fucker or the other way 'round, you.

You're still the stupidest motherfucker of all fucking time but go ahead and do it. Grannie's been brain dead for years, if you fucking need to fucking fuck a fucking vegetable, you might as well be even fucking dirtier about it, so fucking fuck an actual comatose pregnant senior citizen. Have at it, you weird-assed fucking buggerfuckerer.2 whatever it is you so fucking badly (the only fucking way you fuck anything) need to motherfucking fuck like a mother.

Do you even have a motherfucking clue?

I didn't think so, motherfucker.

I am stopping now because my brain needs more words.

1 'MOTHERFUCKED-ING' is actually kind of intriguing as either a compound or a contraction. I mean, so, you're a motherfucker whose other fucked you?

2 I freely admit that by this point I was just, um, screwing around and typing that was my self-clue. 'BUGGERFUCKERER? (Without even my usual redundant '-ER' at the end of something silly that ends in -er, no less?) OK, gone off the deep end. Good to know, thanks.'

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