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And yet, I have something to say about it, naturally. It's positive, but not for everyone.

· Social Change,History,Human Sexuality,Destigmatizing Sex,Philosophy

Firstly, why even go there?

A very valid question, and one I asked myself more than once before proceeding.


In short, I recently, over social media, weirdly was exposed to a barrage of kink–related subject matter, specifically a variety of (I think unrelated) racial domination smut and posts. In places I do not typically go to for smut, I must add, since any porn site might get raunchy or weird on you without notice, that's a matter of you takes your chances. These were normal, well–known social media sites not known for being especially pervy.

Who am I calling a pervert!?

If I'm honest, everyone, until proven otherwise. Look, people have kinks. They choose us, we don't choose them. They get us off, and as a rule most people seem to really like getting off. I know I do, and I know it can be vanilla, but it can also be those kinks of mine that I won't inflict on you, nor admit to to the world. It's normal. It's how we're wired sometimes. But it's not really for public consumption.

Destigmatizing sex

Look, I am possibly one of the most dedicated proponents of destigmatizing sex. All sex. Vanilla, married, casual, one night stands, fuck friends, hookers, hooking, straight, gay, bi, and any other flavour of gender and sex interplay. Group sex, solo sex, swapping, porn, you name it. If it's consensual and no one is being degraded (outside of their agreed upon shaming or whatever, naturally), then I think it's ALL FINE AND EQUAL.

Yes, a married couple making love after twenty years together and still having that spark, a beautiful image, and five people hooking up after liking each others' dirty profiles to do raunchy things that don't evoke the feeling of 'love' but do evoke the feeling of 'hot' in those who swing that way, to paying a (willing, healthy, un–coerced) prostitute to get off, it's ALL the same to me, in that it's all just people getting off, plus or minus some additional emotional baggage (good or bad) that doesn't figure. It's all fucking, or getting off somehow at any rate.

And I don't care what church, politician, activist or other busybody tells me, it's no one's business but the people (consensually) involved. It just isn't. Gay, straight, bi or otherwise gender–twisty. Oral, genital, or involving the tushie, it's all good, if it feels good, for all involved. Any other stance on human pleasure is just out of date, or out of touch. It's biology. People like to get off, and our bodies and minds are, magically, equipped to oblige. This isn't a moral, or religious, or political issue. It's like farting. Or peeing. Or working out. It's an issue of what people do with themselves, and what their bodies influence or demand of them.

Try not farting for a week. Unless you're a pretty girl (because all men know that pretty girls don't fart), it isn't gonna happen.

Fucking, in whatever form, is not quite that unavoidable, as we can, and I even have, at some point, I am pretty sure, gone a week without cumming. But it's the exception, as much as I can make it so. People like to feel good. Men wake up with morning erections. Women... well, I know they get horny too, shockingly, pretty much as horny as men, overall. If only I'd known this in high school, dammit...

My point is, whatever imagery turns you on, and whatever turns you off... That's you. It's your personal switches. If big shiny butt plugs make you hot, it's you. If they make you queasy, it's you. Because they're just a lump of metal, or plastic or glass. Same as a light bulb, or coat hanger, or magic eight ball.

The notion that you (any of you) should have any say on what other consenting adults do with their or other consenting bodies (and rare exception to child sex being a no–no, adolescents and on up masturbating furtively and furiously, because that is essentially what puberty is for) is retarded. If your religion, political party, or neighbour tries to tell you otherwise, they are stepping over the line between their rights to be as uptight or unhappy as they like, and your right not to be.

Sex is not dirty. It is not shameful. It is not criminal. It is not amoral. It is not a sin. (Sorry, if your faith says otherwise, you can choose to feel sinful, but again, that line between you and others' rights applies.) And our societal uptightness about it, stigmatizing it, repressing it, suppressing it, legislating it, abusing it, etc., is a clear sign to me of just how immature we are, culturally.

Because just about every person who raises their voice or points at someone else's kinks and yells 'degenerate!' has some private little pervs of their own. It's who we are. And what you might consider clean and upstanding might seem filthy and, well, degenerate to someone else, or in a different light.

Which is why I love seeing so–called moral authorities caught with their cocks in the wrong places, etc. Serves them right. If they weren't so busy judging and condemning others, then their kink (assuming consent, as always) would be fine too, and they wouldn't have to give up their televangelist ministry, or congressional seat, or (ahem) priest's collar, etc.

End of discussion on this point. You are welcome to comment, encouraged to even, but I don't expect to be swayed. I will read and consider though. That's what keeping an open mind is all about.

The point, again, please?

I apologize for all the preamble, but people get uptight enough about even vanilla coupling as it is, and what I am about to bring up is... Not so much with the vanilla.

I mentioned that lately, and weirdly, I've been getting a significant enough number of posts/messages that I have been moved to write about it here. The subject, other than being porn (which I have no problem with, when it's not looking abusive or exploitative), in places I do not go for porn, is a surprising number of variations on a theme.

That theme being racial dominance or submission. Arab masters repopulating Europe. Black masters knocking up lily white girls. Guys submitting to said masters, or being sissified by them. Dommy trannies (not racial, I know, but still in the whole power/shame dynamic), white girls having a duty to service (insert ethnicity here, black, arab, you name it, though I don't think I've seen asian here), asian women as submissive, exotic imports... It goes on.

Firstly, I shouldn't have to mention, but I will: If this is how you feel about real life? You need your head adjusted. Real life should be about equality, be it ethnic, gender, orientation, you name it.

But kinks are a different matter, as long as (wait for it...) it's consensual, and no one is being degraded (any more than they are looking to be). Fantasies are allowed to be taboo. Really, they should be! Though it's important to keep certain fantasies as strictly that. If you can't help but be turned on by youngish teens, and this may raise some hackles, that's FINE. We don't pick our kinks. But, where, for example, abuse, or degradation, and especially and always minors not able by definition to consent, it has to remain in the realm of fantasy. Get off to it (it being your fantasy, NOT underage porn, for example), but leave it at that.

And, on the subject of leaving it at that, kinks are kind of like excessive public displays of affection, or extreme opinions regarding other peoples' values, or Trump tweeting. They don't belong in public, where you don't know who or what might offend, or worse, actually cause harm. Keep it in the bedroom, or your gathering, or whatever.

I am all for openness about sexuality, and destigmatizing it. But that doesn't mean I think it's appropriate to masturbate on the bus, or discuss naughty parties in front of children, or what have you. For whatever reason, I've been presented with a significant volume of this racially themed stuff, and firstly, I'm not into it. Not one of my turn–ons. Secondly, I don't want porn where I go for, well, anything else. I've been online since 1986. I promise you, if I want smut, I know where to look.

On the subject of kinks, fetishes, taboos, etc.

While I'm at it, I think this needs mentioning. As I said, I don't judge anyone's kinks, fantasies or actual fucking, however and whoever, wouldn't want them to judge mine. But I do find this topic to be a little tender for my sensibilities.

To repeat: If this idea of being the dommy (insert identity here) over (insert identity of subject of desire) turns you on, and you practice it with others who it turns on, and everyone is consenting and happy? Go for it. I don't care if it's not PC, fantasies and taboos aren't supposed to be. As long as you're getting off out of the general public's eyes, and more specifically children, or people who might be hurt by the racial (note, racial, not racist) element, then go nuts. Not my thing as a rule, but it's not hurting anyone unless you take those attitudes into real life. Then you're being a fuckwit.

I do have a little experience to share (it's my blog, and the disclaimer up top is pretty strong, so I get to share what I want). More specifically, among the more than one women who have been generous, patient, humorous, horny enough, or maybe just bored enough to let me do naughty things with them, a few have been black. More have been every other flavour of girl, mind, I am mentioning black for a reason.

One of them, whose identity I would drop dead rather than reveal, because she confessed to me, showing a huge amount of trust I might add, that she had a master/slave, plantation style fantasy, and would I be willing to play it out with her.

Initially, I was, to be honest, really queasy. I'm not wired that way. But I thought about it, and came to the conclusion that, in the end, it was pretty much similar to rape fantasies, which I have been told more than a few times (by women who have them, not some nameless 'authority') that this is more common than one might think. I note, because I don't want someone to misread and think I'm the fuckwit, that fantasies are NOT the same as wanting this to in any way actually happen, or thinking it's OK to happen in any way. Fantasies. Kinks. Taboos.

And a LOT of trust involved. I've never played that one out, never been asked, but I did get asked to do the plantation thing, and ultimately agreed.

And it was actually really, really hot. Not because I got off on being the 'master', I really had to push myself to play that role, but because she really, really got off on it. It was both dirty hot sex, and emotional connection, revolving around that trust and not judging. We did it once. That was enough.

On the other hand, I know more than one Jewish girl who has confessed a similar sort of dominance/shame fantasy that I will not name, but would never agree to, because there is no situation not involving saving lives or world peace where I will wear, embrace (even make believe) or not be repulsed by anything Nazi, and its symbols.

But you know what? While I am utterly repulsed, I kind of can understand how a Jewish girl might have this kink, taboo, fantasy. Again, fantasy, in no way real, no way suggesting that these ladies think it's in any way not kinda sick, and totally depraved if actually advocated for real life. But it's the same domninance/shame dynamic, and as I've mentioned, we can't help what kinks we have, what turns us on, etc. In some cases we may try to reject them, or work through them, but if it makes you hard, or wet, you don't get to decide it doesn't.

Of course you absolutely can decide whether or not to pursue them.

Back to judging, and what's appropriate to be shared publically, etc. This stuff is for behind closed doors. It's not stigmatizing sex, it's understanding that many subjects have an appropriate place and time, and the details of your romping through whatever fields of fucking is pretty much one of those. Children, people who might be hurt or demeaned by your fantasy (read: say, black people if hearing about the plantation fantasy, Jews or any sensitive human being re: Nazi fantasy, but also just less extreme stuff. Maybe someone isn't comfortable with ass play, and while that doesn't mean they get to tell you that you can't, that it's immoral, illegal, dirty, or a sin, they do get to not have to hear about it on the bus).

Consider my Instagram, or StumbleUpon, or Flipboard, or Tumblr, or wherever it was to be like that bus. If I figure out why I was getting it, like following people who have more than what I thought they had to say, I can unfollow. If it's spammy accounts I never subscribed to, I can mute or block. But really, what I am saying is this.

If we're ever going to get over peoples' reflexive clenching at the mere mention of sexuality, we need to be more respectful and responsible about how we go about it. And we need to be mindful that there may be overtones we don't immediately identify, or ones we do, even worse if we knowingly offer harm.

Sex is supposed to be about pleasure. Fun. Not complicated, unless Japanese knots are involved. Not stressful. Getting off is nature's gift to us. A make–good for a lot of the rotten shit we have to deal with. Over the centuries, especially from the Victorian era on, and I speak only for the West, because I am not informed about the rest, we've gotten so uptight that we actually try to hide our children from nudity (not sexuality mind, just seeing the parts we all have half of) because we've confused it with sexuality, and somehow being wrong. (Well, it is wrong to inappropriately sexualize children, including how we make them aware of it or not), like the Victorians covered table legs lest they inspire lewd thoughts — true, that!

We need to move forward, and we can't do that if we are being irresponsible, inconsiderate, or hurtful.

That said, happy romping, all of you, however and whenever, with whoever you do it.

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